Who’s procrastinating?

I’ll make no secret of the fact that I’m having trouble concentrating on my work for my Masters Degree at the moment. There’s been so much going on over the last few weeks that all of that formally important stuff took a backseat and, still, I can’t quite find the motivation to get back into it. This is fast becoming an issue, but I figure, if I continue to do the adult equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing a nursery rhyme as loud as I can to block it all out, it’ll run away and come back once it’s sorted itself out. I hope.

You’re probably wondering what ‘the adult equivalent of sticking my fingers in my ears and singing a nursery rhyme as loud as I can to block it all out’ consists of, you know, if you’re a normal person who deals with their issues in the proper, adult way…

Procrastination, of course. Or as I like to pretend – ‘productive’ procrastination (haha) – as if there is such a thing.

Now, I define ‘productive’ procrastination as anything that doesn’t involve doing the thing you desperately and urgently need to do (i.e. work) but is still, in some way, very loosely related to the urgent thing you need to do; or at least better than sitting on your big, fat, disabled and pregnant arse in front of Jeremy Kyle and Come Dine With Me all day and pretending it’s because you can’t possibly move a muscle just in case you wet yourself (again). Mind you, that’s probably just me (again).

So, keeping this in mind, the following was how I conducted my Sunday:

I woke up at 4.30am and spent 2 hours arguing with a so-called ‘friend’ over text message because they had been acting like a twat, refused to acknowledge it and instead of talking to me, got their ‘friend with benefits’ (a girl I once met at a birthday party who was so drunk she couldn’t move from the living room sofa, puked in her own lap and let my ‘friend’ dry-hump her in front of the host’s parents… Yeah, classy bird, right!) to “warn me off”. Why, I still don’t know.

I then finally dragged myself out of bed at 11.20am (hey, it was a Sunday and I did do the two minutes silence, of course. I hope you did, too) and spent a few hours flicking through some wonderfully informative ‘Housewife Magazines’ with a coffee, in my pyjamas, whilst my sister (yes, THAT one) pretended to be ill to get the remote control all to herself. Man, I love watching Barbie Island Princess and The Big Time Movie six times in two days… They’re so well written and the acting is incredible (!). Mind you, at least she was quiet. For once.

After finally making the long and awkward journey back up the, ever increasingly massive, stairs (my mortal enemy) and getting dressed whilst talking to myself and pretending I was telling baby a story (that’s normal right?) the washing up got done, the lunch got made and Facebook was well and truly scrutinised for every last sordid detail of ‘people I don’t talk to’s’ lives over the last twenty-four hours (or at least since 4.30am when I woke up in a huff and ranted about it in public).

Conveniently, this bought me into the evening when Mum felt well enough to join us, make the dinner and generally allow me to sit back on my fat arse and spend the rest of the night moaning at my sister for moaning at my brother for moaning all the way through some terrible Christmas film she found on an obscure and unknown Satellite Christmas TV channel (I really regret spotting that on the TV Guide as Elsie was searching for something obnoxious to watch. I need to learn to keep my big mouth shut. Seriously, though… “Xmas TV” AND “Xmas TV+1”? I feel violated).

All of this I do indeed count as ‘productive’ procrastination. I have to otherwise I would cry myself to sleep at night. And here’s why:

A) I’ve finally realised that I know a lot of people but I don’t have many friends. This means I am fast becoming a fully-fledged, cynical and boring adult (just in time for baby. Yay. Or something)

B) staying in bed until mid-morning (sounds better than ‘nearly midday’) gave me a chance to recharge my batteries after playing ‘Mummy’ for a while

C) I learnt stuff. I learnt lots of stuff. This part was particularly exciting for me as my world gets smaller and smaller during the final days of my pregnancy… The magazines taught me (from two separate articles in two separate magazines) that unknown pregnancies occur mostly in morbidly obese woman who don’t show, anyway (thanks ‘Take a Break’, I never would have guessed. Know your audience and all that)… My sister taught me that children will believe anything you tell them, as long as you back it up with something to do with fairies or superheroes, depending. This was: “Elsie, eating an Orange will make you feel better. That’s what fairies eat when they’re poorly” – you can guess what started to happen ten minutes in… (!) And Facebook, well, Facebook taught me that the majority of people I know spend their Saturday nights getting drunk, doing drugs and having unprotected sex with strangers, only to complain about it in the morning.

Needless to say, ‘productive’ procrastination is tiring. Try it. You won’t like it.

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